You can say to me “Oh she’s an artist, she’s creative enough to figure out how to get through this” the thing is..the art of letting go is not an art that i am good at. See, being a fighter is in my nature. I fought to survive when I was 2, and not only did i survive the disease that tried to snuff me out of this world, but I beat it into remission when I was a teenager. My fighting spirit has its strengths but it also can be a weakness. I fought in my relationship. In the beginning we fought for each other. Eventually our fighting turned us against one another and when I didn’t feel like fighting I would run. I was a runner. He knew that because I told him in the beginning. He never got tired of living in the shadow I cast running away, he always chased me. I loved him for that, even in the midst of it when he didn’t think i cared that he chased me, i always cared that he chased me.
Eventually he got tired of it all. He got tired of my fighting, he got tired of my running, and now that I am away from it all I can’t blame how hard it was for him to love someone so inconsistent.
Even after it ended I still tried to fight to make it work. I was willing to accept ALL the blame (an unhealthy compromise due to my desperation) and go to great lengths to fix our toxic behavior. I sit and think maybe if i let go sooner, maybe if i didn’t try to fight so hard that wedge never would have such a huge rift between us. The what ‘ifs’ and ‘should’ have ate my brain alive.
The night I started letting go, I threw up for an hour in the bathroom and cried myself to sleep. The fight went out of me and i surrendered to the universe. If letting go is an art, i am sure as hell not an artist.
Moving forward is not really a choice, it is the only way time flows. We get over things eventually not because we really want to, but its how we’re programmed as human beings. I decided to stop looking for the light and become it instead. I am trying to actively tell myself that even though I don’t have the love I want, I do have love. It’s been exhausting to try to cultivate a zen approach to all of this.
My friends give me credit for putting myself back out there and going on dates and meeting people again. It’s an experience to be had once again, but I am tainted this time. I am tainted because every person i meet I automatically compare to my ex. His mind was so expansive and our connection was too real, that i find myself almost disappointed.
I guess I started my blogging again in my own art form of letting go. I don’t care if a million people read it, or just me. If absolute destruction is rebirth, then words will be the bricks for the path that will help me heal. His presence and absence mean everything to me, and I can’t hate him. I am a firesinner. I burn bridges, I burn people, I leave a fire trail in the wake of where I go. I just pray to the universe that i am a phoenix. That something beautiful can be reborn out of all the destruction I left in the wake of things…