I smell like sweat, drugs, and teenage sex: A Love Story.


We were in a finifungal because we were happy people and we knew that happiness is never sedentary.

We knew that the bad times would pass, and that the good times would come to pass as well. The sun was out warming my skin, the low distant bass echoed from the stage on that hot summer day.

As I sat there, my thoughts started to wander, it seemed to me that our selfish prolonging was entirely justified.

Its incredible to get to know someone deeper than just smoking a bowl with them. I believe the hardest part of realizing just how deep and individual each person you meet are, but can you love this person enough to overcome their shortcomings, their fuck ups. You forgive because eventually if you look deep inside yourself long enough you realize that you have the exact same amount of shortcomings.

Each love was always different. Each time I thought to myself ‘Now this..this is love..’ and then I meet someone who rocked my world so hard that everything I thought I knew, made me realize I didn’t know a goddamn thing.

That was him. He was my muse.. as I was his.

We had both known the drug world long before we knew each other. The more I learned about him the more I had a sense of the innate darkness, and curiosity that lead us down similar paths. But unlike many other people, we were psychonauts. We pushed the boundaries of our minds and souls to places that only existed to normal people in dreams. We were the dream makers. But to go that deep inside yourself you needed to be brave to yourself.

And although we were brave, we were also so very, very, stupid. They say intelligent people are more likely to turn to drugs because they have this natural realization about the world around them, and it makes them depressed, so, to escape the beast of depression, one must find an escape. Escapism in itself, is a human thing because we will go to any lengths to soothe ourselves at whatever the cost. In order to survive dysfunctional or overwhelming scenarios, the most sane person would find a healthy form of escapism into books, or nature, or dreams. We are all addicted to something that takes away the pain. So, maybe we were just trying to be sane in a maddening world, or maybe I’m simply making excuses for our behavior, I don’t know. But the point of the matter is ,we fell into this world, meeting some of the most brilliant troubled souls out there.

We found each other..both made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” – Plato

After a full year of trying to find myself, and finally starting to make progress that was my life and feeling a single drop of contentment, he showed up.

I had been with many different guys that year invading numerous head spaces, and learning some of the darkest selfish truest intentions. I had to learn to deal with my own head space, and the loneliness that came from it. My dark past had made it hard to cope with healthy rational life skills that your parents were supposed to give you. One of my many therapists once told me that my parents should have never been parents. That realization had fucked with my own sense of self for a long time.

When you are single, putting yourself out for the whole world to see and judge. It’s harsh. They say being in a relationship is an overwhelming amount of compromise, but being single is a huge amount of rejection. On both sides. Maybe you’re the one being rejected because this person perceived you to be a certain way that they only wanted to see you, and when they really see who you are they grow disappointed. Maybe you’re the one doing the rejecting because you felt let down by what you thought you saw in someone turning out to be simply just an illusion of who you want to be with. There’s so much hurt on the battleground in search for true love. I believe that true love is simply a stroke of luck. I believe that many people exist in this world without it. Most of life is completely out of your control, including finding love and being loved.

But that never stopped me from believing in its rare existence. Plato once spoke of Zeus damning humans to spend their lives searching for the other half that completed him. So like the hunter, I carefully placed my armor around my soft being and kept on my journey searching.

For the love and bass music and all things beautiful stumbling down that rabbit hole was the most enticing and wonderful yet drastic change I ever decided to make. There is something so precious about living inside of a single moment that you wish you could stay in forever. So you stay for as long as time will allow. Although drugs had seemed to cloud my already hazy sense of self, and although I do regret some of the decisions that I’ve made with a few specific ones, drugs have opened my mind and heart in ways that I believe made me a better person and for that.. I thank the universe. Non users shame us, they hate us, call us addicts. But we’re not addicted to the drugs persay, we are novelty seekers. Our mission at the core of who we want to be is to obtain as many eye opening, soul quenching experiences that we will carry in our hearts and minds into the next state of being. I see nothing wrong in that.

But like I said in the beginning, we were in a finifungal, we both knew it couldn’t last.

I woke up, turned over to see a mesh of brown hair. He turned to me and smiled.
A smile that could break your heart. He was the music in my heart. He was the only good drug I felt addicted to at that time in my life. There must be a reason, some reason out of all the odds we found each other so soon in life. I felt too young, than to be ready for this level was not possible. How could this possible we are able to transform our worlds be simply being in them together. That was powerful and at times there was this sense that what someone listens to in their day in and day out life speaks to you a lot about what type of person they are. I knew my type of music was not what everyone listened to, because it was expansive. My imagination was very expansive and I needed to know that there was more music worth listening to then just what is on the radio..not a lot of girls really knew that.
To me music speaks about what your soul loves.

Tune in. Drop out. The music is what will always link us.


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